Just drop the damn ball......

Life is a juggling routine.

There are so many aspects that require prioritization in order to ensure that all the balls stay in the air. For years, I struggled with how to juggle the sadness I felt after my mom passed. It was like this oddly shaped “grief ball” that stuck out from all the other things I had to manage in my life. I would work hard at keeping all the balls in the air but, at the end of the day, my sadness was the one I would never drop. My health, my happiness, and my relationships, have all, at times, taken a back seat to the all-encompassing sadness that I felt in my heart after she passed.

Over the years, I created a “safe haven” of despair that sabotaged anything good before it could fall apart. Then I could say, “There. This is why it’s important that I’m STILL juggling THAT ball. Inevitably, I will end up being disappointed so I should always be prepared for it.” It’s as though it was a defense mechanism that I unconsciously developed very quickly after my mom died; choosing emotional “composure” and the "comfort" of my sadness over exposing my vulnerability and potentially being disappointed. I can distinctly remember the day my sister told me she was pregnant with Easton. It was only a few short months after my mom had died. Inside I was so excited for her and her husband but my outward reaction was cool and collected. I actually remember her saying “That’s it? That’s all you've got for me?” This fear of expressing my true emotions has happened more times than I care to admit over the last 10 years.

It wasn't until the last few months that I've been at a point where I can actually ADMIT, to myself and others, that I was doing this. 10 years. 10 years she’s been gone and for 10 years I've been suffocating joy and happiness in my life all because I was too afraid to drop that damn grief ball and own my true emotions. The uncertainty of what would happen if I let myself feel true, uncensored, happiness was too much of a risk for my scared heart to take. 

Since coming to this realization, I've focused extensively on trying to establish “the why”. I’m a firm believer that you can’t move past something, or learn the necessary lesson, until you understand the motivation behind your behaviours. During this time of reflection, I've recognized that somewhere in my subconscious mind I made up a story that my heart was unable to hold both joy and sadness in it at the same time. As though, if I truly allowed myself to feel happiness then it meant that I was no longer sad about losing my mom. If I wasn't sad about my mom then, in some way, I was forgetting what had happened and dishonouring her memory. So, in order to ensure that I was always “honouring” her, I would focus on maintaining my sadness. As I type this, I realize that this is completely absurd. There is no way, absolutely no way, she would want me to be withholding happiness from my life, and replacing it with sadness, as a way to “honour her”.

So, what now?

I am so sick and tired of being burdened with this sadness that I am dropping that ball. Scratch that. I’m throwing it on the floor and happily watching it smash into a mess of useless tears and pointless despair.

Most importantly, when life presents me with opportunities to experience joy, which it currently is, I’m embracing it wholeheartedly. And you know what? It feels good .

So. Damn. Good.

What's your ball? Figure it out and drop it. I dare you!