Life is a juggling routine.
There are so many
aspects that require prioritization in order to ensure that all the balls stay
in the air. For years, I struggled with how to juggle the sadness I felt after
my mom passed. It was like this oddly shaped “grief ball” that stuck out from
all the other things I had to manage in my life. I would work hard at keeping
all the balls in the air but, at the end of the day, my sadness was the one I
would never drop. My health, my happiness, and my relationships, have all, at times,
taken a back seat to the all-encompassing sadness that I felt in my heart after
she passed.
Over the years, I created a “safe haven” of despair that
sabotaged anything good before it could fall apart. Then I could say, “There. This
is why it’s important that I’m STILL juggling THAT ball. Inevitably, I will end
up being disappointed so I should always be prepared for it.” It’s as though it
was a defense mechanism that I unconsciously developed very quickly after my
mom died; choosing emotional “composure” and the "comfort" of my sadness over exposing my vulnerability and potentially being disappointed. I can distinctly
remember the day my sister told me she was pregnant with Easton. It was only a
few short months after my mom had died. Inside I was so excited for her and her
husband but my outward reaction was cool and collected. I actually remember her
saying “That’s it? That’s all you've got for me?” This fear of expressing my
true emotions has happened more times than I care to admit over the last 10
years.
It wasn't until the last few months that I've been at a
point where I can actually ADMIT, to myself and others, that I was doing this. 10 years. 10 years she’s been gone and
for 10 years I've been suffocating joy and happiness in my life all because I
was too afraid to drop that damn grief ball and own my true emotions. The uncertainty of what would
happen if I let myself feel true, uncensored, happiness was too much of a risk
for my scared heart to take.
Since coming to this realization, I've focused extensively
on trying to establish “the why”. I’m a firm believer that you can’t move past
something, or learn the necessary lesson, until you understand the motivation
behind your behaviours. During this time of reflection, I've recognized that somewhere
in my subconscious mind I made up a story that my heart was unable to hold
both joy and sadness in it at the same time. As though, if I truly allowed
myself to feel happiness then it meant that I was no longer sad about losing my
mom. If I wasn't sad about my mom then, in some way, I was forgetting what had
happened and dishonouring her memory. So,
in order to ensure that I was always “honouring” her, I would focus on
maintaining my sadness. As I type this, I realize that this is completely
absurd. There is no way, absolutely no way, she would want me to be withholding
happiness from my life, and replacing it with sadness, as a way to “honour her”.
So, what now?
I am so sick and tired of being burdened with
this sadness that I am dropping that ball. Scratch that. I’m throwing it on the
floor and happily watching it smash into a mess of useless tears and pointless despair.
Most importantly, when life presents me with opportunities
to experience joy, which it currently is, I’m embracing it wholeheartedly. And
you know what? It feels good .
So. Damn. Good.
What's your ball? Figure it out and drop it. I dare you!
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